Saturday, October 14, 2006

Do I need this now?

Do you remember this friend? I blogged about her last January when she went ballistic because her husband's family sent her flowers on the anniversary of her daughter's death. Well, I think the friendship is over, and I have to say I am somewhat relieved. I really don't need this right now, do I?

She has moved to another state to teach so we don't see each other much or call each other much, but when she found out what I was going through, she frantically wrote me that she wished she could be here for me the way I have been there for her over the years. Then she did it. For 6 years I have had to listen to her say horrible nasty things about a family who she "blames" for so much. These two sisters were her daughter's best friends even though at times there was adolescent cattiness. She recalls over and over an incident after the funeral where the father and daughter came over and said what she considered horribly inappropriate things. I won't even begin to go there even though I would mention that maybe there is no rule book as to how to act or what to say when someone has committed suicide. For 6 years I have heard the meanest things out of her mouth, and when she started calling this man "mousy" and "incompetent" AGAIN, I just snapped.

Maybe it was because I was protected by e-mail or maybe it's because I just got the nerve to tell my husband I was leaving him, but I told her that when it comes to this man/father, I begged to differ. He has been nothing but kind, thoughtful, sensitive, and generous to me over the 20 years I have known him. When he heard my news, he was genuinely sad, hugged me, said he was sorry and offered any assistance. And I told her that. Ask anyone at church, and they would agree with my assessment. I told her that she didn't see this man at her daughter's funeral when he had to watch his daughters bury their best friend. She didn't sit with this man at lacrosse games when he and I shared tears over this young girl's death. I said that I could never know nor try to imagine her intense pain over losing her child but that other people lost something that day, too. You can imagine how painful it is to watch your children in that much pain.

She blasted me with 2 horrible e-mails wondering why I would be so mean to her and say such horrible things defending that man. When she didn't hear from me (because I would not answer her cruel e-mails), she wrote a third time and said that I must be mad at her and she deserved "closure." I did reply and say that I wasn't mad. I just came to his defense after hearing her comments for 6 years. I had stayed quiet all this time and listened to her go off on this nice man long enough. She sent another e-mail that was horrible, and although I replied, I put it in "draft" and did not send it. A therapist friend suggested that in couples' therapy, they encourage the couples to say, "I am sorry you are upset by this argument" or words to that affect. And I may delete my draft and just write that. Notice she did not encourage me to say "I am sorry I upset you" because I'm not. She said she couldn't believe that I would be so horrible to her after she made ONE comment. When will she get it that it wasn't ONE comment? It was SIX YEARS. And you know, I just don't need this now.

My daughter said to give it up. Everyone has told me to forget about her. I have given her 6 good years and it's time to let go. And I agree. But it's still hard. She knows about this blog and may even read this. That is fine with me. I am not breaking any confidences from our friendship which she fears I am doing. And I am not writing anything I haven't already told her. Everything is still anonymous because I have not said any names. She wants to know what else I think, and I promise you, she's not ready for that. I have deleted all e-mails so they don't stare at me and need to go delete the draft so it doesn't taunt me. It is definitely time I let go.

But it hurts to lose a friendship even if it is time to let go. Sort of like how hard it is to lose a marriage even if it's time to let go.


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