Sunday, January 23, 2005

A list of things my mother never told me

I went out last night with girlfriends and was very careful to apply lipstick before entering the celebration. I announced that I needed the lipstick because my lips had disappeared when I hit 40. I blame my mother for my shock when that happen. She did not warn me that my lips would disappear some day. I always wondered why she put on lipstick before walking to town or going to a meeting. I thought it was because she was a product of the Depression or WWII or the 50s or some strange decade that made lipstick mandatory. She also didn't warn me that

1) Sex was messy. (Not just emotionally, but physically. What is that stuff?)

2) Boobs droop to your navel after the second kid was born. (I had to roll mine up to put back in my nursing bra after the 2nd kid was born.)

3) Knees hurt whether you played soccer or ice skated in the Olympics or not. (I might have to go from being Episcopalian to being a Baptist for the kneeling alone.) Along with your knees, your back will hurt as you age, along with your ankles, shoulders, and other joints. Why didn't my mother bitch more. I would have been more prepared. And don't write to me about exercising. Aging happens to us all.

4) Your kids will not love you the way you love them. (And therefore, they will hurt you. Get over it.)

5) Don't marry a man unless he's trainable. (It's just not worth if even if the sex is great.)

6) Wallpaper or border a room with your partner before you are married. (If you can't cooperate with wallpaper paste and water nearby, don't bother with the ceremony.)

7) Despite valiant efforts not to, you will repeat some of the same things your parents said to you. (I used to cringe when my mother said, "I only have to feed you, clothe you, and put a roof over your head." That is my mantra now, especially during times when my children request a car, an MP3, a spring break in Mexico, or a cell phone. Not on the list of the things I have to do to be a good parent.) My mother is laughing long and hard over this one.

8) Your arms will grow shorter in your effort to read work close up. (I now own three pairs of reading glasses. What's up with that?)

9) You will embarrass your kids. And sometimes you even look forward to it.

10) Your lips will disappear. Always carry lipstick.


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