Two years from when???

A recently divorced friend of mine (who read all the books) told me recently that "they" say you shouldn't get into another relationship for two years afterwards. I said, "After what? After you tell your husband you're leaving? After you run away from home? After you file for divorce? Or after the divorce is final?" Two years from when??? (Not that I am looking for anything or anyone at this stage.) I just don't think "they" are clear.

On another note, some have wondered about the path of the flood in Missouri which has since subsided, but I wanted to assure you I am high, dry, and safe. Ok, maybe it's a little wet around here, but I am safe. And remember... all is well. I can swim.

I am including images of the water lapping up on the side of the highway. One exit away from me has been closed for 2 weeks, not just because of the water (which is very close) but because of the deer leaping over the road because they have been displaced by the water. The signs on the highway do warn about the deer leaping over cars which is a strange sign to see. Just had a huge storm tonight, but we are all safe where I am staying for the summer.

Still looking for a job but have decided that I need to go back to the college town from which I moved. I cannot find a job here, and even if I could, I cannot afford to live in the "big city." So I will be moving back to College Town USA in a month or two. Wish me luck. I am pretty tired of being unrooted (not uprooted), uncertain, and on shaky ground. It will feel good to be settled although I doubt I will ever feel settled ever again. (Friends assure me I will one day. "When?" I ask. Perhaps in two years.) Ok, there goes the melo-drama again. My sister has been so wonderful to me for letting me stay here while I am regrouping and recouping, but I have to find a job. Pray for me to find a job. (I have already found a condo to rent and will be moving again in August.)

This is not the way I thought things would turn out, but I continue to be thankful for good health and wonderful supportive friends and family.

Sold… and staying calm

I am trying to stay calm. Deep breaths.

After much soul searching I decided to sell my piano. I didn’t shed a tear making the decision although I would have loved it (a) if either daughter could play the piano or (b) either daughter wanted the piano. But that was not to be, and I couldn’t see traipsing the piano around with me over the next few years. It was not a sentimental piece of furniture as if would be if it had belonged to my mother or grandmother, both of whom played the piano beautifully (from what I understood). I did shed a few tears the other night now that it has become a final deal. It has found a wonderful new “home” at the local middle school in the hands of Dorothy’s orchestra teacher. I couldn’t be happier. And although there was no profit (I don’t think you make money on a deal like this), we got the asking price. I say “we” because the STBX did all the work to get it sold (since he still lives in the house and was trying to sell it locally). But after the tears, I was fine. It’s where it should be. In its new home.

Ever since 6th grade when I learned to play the piano, I had wanted one of my own. A friend of the family had loaned us one all the years I took lessons, but it had to go back. So once I became an adult with a few years under my belt, one of the first things I bought myself was this piano. At the time, we did not have a joint checking/savings account. Everything was separate. We did not do that until ’86 when we bought the house. My money was mine; his was his. I know that may not have been the best way to be married, but it’s what we did. I remember clearly it was the summer of ’82 as we had gone to The World’s Fair in Knoxville and this Yamaha (not the motorcycle) was the “official” piano of The World’s Fair. WTF? It cracked me up to have a piano that bore a medallion inside that stated such a moniker. I bought it with an overdraft check (which results in a loan) and paid it off for a year. It traveled with us to our first home and our second (and last) home. It filled the house when I had time to play, most specifically during the holidays.

So is it my piano or is it marital property? I guess legally everything is marital property just because it was in the marital house. But I am trying to present this fairly and must ask again, do you consider this piece marital property? So once the deal was brokered, I thanked the STBX profusely and said to send me the check. I was even considering sending him a percentage for brokering the deal. Instead he hit me with an e-mail that he was surprised I would ask the check be sent to me since he considered it marital property and wanted HALF. Deep breaths. Ok, if he had said he wanted a percentage of the “profit” because he brokered the deal, I would have taken it under advisement. But HALF because he considered it marital property??? I don’t think so, Mister.

Ok, I don’t think I have presented the story without bias. I may have slanted it my way. So to sum up… piece of property belongs to Party A (loved and paid for). It resides in the home of Party A & B. Party A & B are divorcing. Party B worked to sell piece of property (since he still lived in the vicinity of said property) and considers profit to be marital property. Party A is grateful for the hard work of Party B and was considering giving him a percentage of the profits but not half. Party B wants half the money. Party A says no fucking way.

So what’s your take?

The Black Panther

Do you know the amazing Shephard of Shephard's Alley? I merely asked him what the Medicine Cards might say for my future. Check his Monday blog posts as he plays with Medicine Cards that I do not quite understand. I am still paying for my STBX to live in our house while it is on the market. While I am trying not to be angry and bitter, it is wearing thin as he has lived there for free since October. He finally got a job in April, but since it's commission, he cannot (or will not) help pay for the mortgage. We need to sell this damn house and soon so we can move on which is why I asked Shephard for some guidance. After grounding himself, he asked, "What is it that Redhead Educator needs to focus on most right now so that the details of her life will fall into place." This will freak your freak. Here is what he drew (with a few editorial comments from Shephard):

Black Panther: Embracing the Unknown.

Facing fears, exploring the inner self that makes you tick.

The card signifies that now is the perfect time in your life to delve into the places within yourself that need healing. Black Panther specifically says not to worry about the future. Trust that you are not supposed to mentally figure it out. These obstacles are merely symptoms. They are not the cause of fears or blockages. Solutions do not come from seeing things as black and white, good and bad. Solutions will come from understanding the choices you made, and the beliefs you have invested in that created those choices. Let go of negative people, limiting thoughts and fear of being alone. Embrace being alone. Because it is temporary. You are your best parent. You have to take charge of your fears as if they were the children you love dearly and tell them to pipe down, quit panicking and sit still. When the fog of fear and worry clears, your head will find clarity, and the decisions you need to make will become obvious as they appear in front of you. But all the what-if's and fears are distractions, and they make it hard to see clearly. You have to see with different eyes than that. Be your own best parent and start taking care of yourself by letting go of those mental limitations. The card says the next step may be leaping empty-handed into the void with implicit trust. That's not an easy thing to do, esp. if life is filled with the new and unfamiliar.

To quiet each fear, follow each one to its worst-case scenario and plan how you would crush this fear. Have a plan for each fear, and you will begin to see the power and control you've always had. Use this time to ferret out the beliefs and choices you've made in life that have not worked out for you as you would want them to. Because as The Oracle in "Matrix: Reloaded" said: "You can never see past choices you don't understand."

This card indicates that now is a time to clean house, mentally and emotionally, and to make sure your head and mind are clear and not being strangled by "what-if's" and fears and resentments. That's your job right now. The card indicates that things do fall into place, and our job is to be ready for it. You'll know when it's time to act. Being ready for it is much easier than trying to force it. "Seems easier to push than to let go and trust." (Indigo Girls).

Can we all have a collective sigh?

December 29th, 2006

Today is my 2 year blogiversary. Yep, I was so bored on my 25th wedding anniversary that I started a blog. What does that tell you!??

And now for the depressing letter. Get it out of the way. Moving on.

I’m writing here what I cannot send to you in a letter. So many times I wanted to pick up a pen and write you about the happenings of the last few months. I don’t ever want you to think that I don’t think about you and us every day. You have been part of my life for over 31 years. How could I not think of you every day? And today, what would have been our 27th wedding anniversary, I think of you at every twist and turn.

After that first year when we gave each other a refrigerator for our anniversary, we have not really exchanged presents or even been able to afford a nice dinner out. One year friends watched the kids while we went to dinner and it snowed and iced so bad we couldn’t get down their street to retrieve the girls afterwards. We had a night alone. I remember going out to dinner the last time in ’92 when my sister watched the kids. I hear of other friends who go on cruises for their anniversaries or give lavish gifts, and we have never been like that. A card here or there. Even friends threw us a 25th wedding anniversary party because we did not think to do so. So why is it I am thinking about us more today than I have in the past 27 years? I don’t know. Because it's over perhaps?

For years I asked for another wedding ring. I stopped wearing my wedding ring in ’95 and wondered if you even noticed. Wondered if you even knew why. It wasn’t because I stopped loving you if that’s what you thought. I was working 2 jobs to keep us going and woke up one night in a panic because my hands were so swollen that I couldn’t get the rings off. Did you even notice? So I took off all my rings, not just the wedding set, but you never said anything or noticed. Ever since we reconciled in ’99, I asked for another wedding ring. I thought surely you would have done something for our 25th. Something simple. Something inexpensive. Finally, last year, I bought my own replacement ring. I’m sure I made a big deal about it (because I really liked the ring) but it was just another example of you not listening or not caring or being embarrassed that you couldn’t figure out how to give me what I asked for in an affordable manner. I have never wanted riches, never badgered you about not being able to afford lavish gifts. Never humiliated you. I didn’t need to. I’m sure you did enough of that internally.

I swear I never planned this divorce. As much as you think I threatened divorce, I never ever thought I would leave the marriage. If I’d had this planned I would have bought luggage in preparation and not let you sign a 2-year contract for the cell phones. I just snapped one day and realized I couldn’t live this lonely existence where I did all the feeling and thinking and planning. True, I am the emotional one, the up and down one, and you have loved me consistently, ever steadily throughout the years. But I never planned to leave you once Dorothy graduated and went off to college. This was not planned. Every time we have celebrated an occasion recently as a family, I am so proud of the way we are able to work through this. But I remark to myself that nothing much has changed. We walk into a room and go our separate ways. We were able to go to a few parties this way, Thanksgiving and Christmas, and no one would have guessed we were living any differently. And it wasn’t until our screaming match last week that we had even aired our "dirty laundry." I’m sure there were a lot of times you wanted to scream at me or vice versa, but we have managed to keep this under control, and I marvel at that.

Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it hurts. We have been a part of each other’s lives since… well, since Gerald Ford was president. The girls adore you, and that will never change. I miss knowing you will always be there. You provide more for me than I will ever be able to list. It’s not something I can put down in words, put on paper. As hard as it is to fill out financial papers or sign parenting agreements, it’s much harder imagining you not there. And I’m sure you feel the same way. Sort of. I’m not sure if you will miss me because I was never sure if you noticed I was there. But deep down, I am sure my absence will leave a huge void in your life.

When we sat down Christmas Eve and "It’s a Wonderful Life" was on, I looked over and saw a tear in your eye. It caught me off-guard, and I started to weep. I asked if you were ok, and you said yes, but you weren’t. But I couldn’t tell if it was because you were imagining your life without me or just hearing "Old Lang Sine" made you misty. Either way, seeing you cry tore me up. I can’t stand the thought that I have hurt you. I know you think I am cold and callous towards our marriage, but I hope you know that this is the hardest thing I have ever done. As flagrantly as I have mentioned divorce (because it’s so prevalent in my family), I never ever thought it was this hard, and I never ever thought I would be going through this. Honest. I knew it was an option when we got married because it was rampant in my family, but I truly never thought I would go through with this. And I know you didn’t. I truly took our vows seriously: For today I love you with all my heart and I believe I always will. They were not idle words. I probably have taken you less for granted and loved you more these last few months than I have in years.

And now I love you as the father of my children. That will never ever change and never die. We have not been the best husband and wife to each other, but together we have been terrific parents. And that will never die. We will be at every graduation, weddings, births, christenings, plays & musicals as a family. I would hope we could even sit together and hold hands occasionally, proud at our accomplishments. No divorce will ever take that away from us. I want you to call when you’re in town so we can go to lunch. I will never have it in me to hate you or be angry with you. I want so much for you that our separation can never taken away. I want you to be happy and loved and appreciated. I want you to have the job of your dreams. No piece of paper will dictate my feelings. Never. I cannot ever imagine any holiday without you, and I expect to see you at that dinner table every Thanksgiving and Christmas as long as you want to be part of my family’s lives. We have been a part of each other’s lives for over half our lives. We will continue to parent together, be grandparents together, and I hope remain friends "till death do us part."

The Day the Laughter Stopped

I knew it was coming. It just couldn't last forever.

I arrived back "home" today, and, as usual, it's weird, but I decided to stay here (in the basement) because we have much to do around the house in the 4 days I'm here. Why waste it with driving back and forth between this house and my sister's house? Oldest kid came home yesterday and called me 100 times from the grocery store because she was buying groceries for her dad cuz there was no food in the house. So now the STBX wants to redo the wood floors to help sell the house (even though he would never have considered redoing them while we lived here, but that's another post). So the garage is full with crap in preparation for this alleged refinishing.

He borrowed my car to take things to Goodwill and starts to put some furniture in it that I had not "sanctioned" for giving away. I went ballistic. He now thinks I don't have a say in anything because I walked away. I explained that the house was HALF mine and the furniture was HALF mine and so was all the crap. He, at least, could consult me before giving stuff away. Especially MY stuff. We were screaming in the garage like we have never done before. So much for the laughter at Thanksgiving time. He said that since I had decided FOR him that we were getting divorced that I didn't get any say. Ohhh, back up the train, Buster. I lost it and told him that I had been telling him for years, but he just CHOSE to hear it the day I mentioned "divorce." He said, "I knew you were going to say that."

Glad he can read my mind NOW.

Wedding anniversary is next week. We haven't celebrated since 1992, basically. No dinner, no cards, no gifts. But for some reason, I am very maudlin about it. I get teary every time I hear Greensleeves. Yep, a Christmas wedding with Christmas music. Damn it.

This year's Christmas will be memorable. Go down in history memorable. Sucky memorable. Watching my furniture be sent to Goodwill memorable. Screaming in the garage memorable. Ahhh, but there's cheezy potatoes! Life is good! Merry friggin' Christmas to us all.

It'll be ok. Really. Keep filling my stocking. I love you all.

The Power of Words

The divorce papers came in the mail the other day. The word divorce is thrown around in today's society so casually that it no longer has the sting it did in the 50s when my mother filed for divorce. At that time, she was shunned, lost custody of the "friends" (seriously, she did not get one friend in the divorce), received not one dime of child support, and had her entire bank account depleted by my father. As it was, practically no friends were allowed to come visit the 4 of us sisters because "there was no man in the house." (Forget the fact that the man who previously occupied the small apartment beat my mother and sisters, drank like a fish, and screwed every woman in town.) So 5 decades ago the word divorce was fraught with stigma and secrecy, clouded in fear and panic that it was contagious.

But today, the word is practically meaningless. The divorce papers did not read divorce. (I have to read them again to see if that word is anywhere on there.) Instead, the legal term dissolution of marriage is enblazened across the page. Yikes! Isn't dissolution a scientific term for when you have a science class and show the students what certain chemicals can do to things? And I thought about other instances where the reality of words is shocking. A friend who suffered a miscarriage was shocked when the insurance papers read spontaneous abortion. That's its medical term. Yikes! And for anyone who has gotten (or whose partner has gotten) a vasectomy knows that during the consultation the words permanent sterilization are bantied about. Yikes, doesn't that sound like something the Nazi's did? I kept asking the urologist why he kept using that term, and he said that if he used the word vasectomy, the patient thinks it can be reversed too easily. It is startling to hear permanent sterilization, but it's effective. So effective that my STBX husband fainted at the consultation. But that's another story.

So a divorce is called a dissolution of marriage? So my 27 years is in a Petri dish with acid being poured over it. Yikes. This would be so much easier if I hated the guy. And so much harder if I loved the guy. I do neither. So after I read the papers, I signed them.