Thursday, December 01, 2011

When I fall in love...

... It will be forever
Or I'll never fall in love

In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before it's begun.
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun.

When I give my heart,
It will be completely
Or I'll never give my heart.

And the moment I can feel that
You feel that way, too
Is when I fall in love with you.

The line I want you to concentrate on, dear reader, is "or I'll never give my heart." My question recently is ... are we (as the general human population) allowed just one love, and if it doesn't work out, you have shot your proverbial wad? Some people are lucky enough to fall in love with someone who loves them equally, and they spend the rest of their lives together. Some people, me, for instance, fall in love once, and it doesn't work out. And I just started wondering if I am incapable of ever loving again since I now know what love, truly mad, passionate love, feels like, and I won't settle for anything less. Was Sailor Boy my one and only? Will my heart ever find love again?

Don't get me wrong, I am over him. I do not pine for him. I know for a fact that our love was vibrant, life-altering, and, perhaps, a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Am I melo-dramatic? Perhaps, but I feel blessed to have felt that kind of love once in my life. I do not, for one minute, believe our being together forever would have been a good thing. Nor do I hope we will ever be a couple in the future. We had to go our separate ways. I do not fool myself into believing love can or will ever happen again. But Blues Man is back in my life, and he professes his love and would do anything for me, but I cannot return the feelings. For now, he says he is perfectly fine with that. Before this summer, he would never say "I love you" because he knew it pissed me off and that I could and would never say it back. The feeling was not mutual. But after our recent "reunion," he started saying it and adding, "And I don't care that you can't say it. I'm not hiding how I feel any more." What do I do with that?

Briefly, let me explain how and why Blues Man came back. I have not talked to him all summer. He pulled some shitty things on me, and it was quite easy to kick him to the curb, so I never answered his e-mails of apology, never answered his few phone calls when he tried to beg for forgiveness. I was just damn glad he never stalked me or dropped by unannounced. And I sat in my dark bedroom all summer only appearing outside to go exercise. I was a mess over my firing, and he knew it, but he never overstepped his bounds (except for staying in touch to let me know he was there for me). So 4 weeks ago I answered an e-mail to say I couldn't figure out how to open the furnace and replace the filter so he dropped by with his tools, got down on one knee and begged for forgiveness with tears streaming down his face, and changed my furnace filter. I told him to stop being so hard on himself. That evening he e-mailed me and said that as long as we were friends, he had to be honest and tell me my place was a wreck. In 5 months not one person had come into my condo (except my one daughter who's my roommate), not even my sisters or other daughter. Not one friend was allowed in. I was truly a mess. I had let the place go to hell, and he knew it was a reflection of my depression, and he wasn't going to stay quiet. I didn't even see how bad it was. We were, after all, friends. So he laid it on the line and told me the truth. Depression manifests itself in many ways, but in my case, I had not come out of my room in months and had stopped fighting my roommate who was (and still is) a slob. So in telling me like it was, he offered to help me clean up. and so the next day he came over and together, we spent 5 hours cleaning my kitchen alone. It looked amazing. And was long overdo. We scrubbed and rearranged and threw out and dusted and scrubbed some more. I was so moved by his honesty, kindess, generosity, and willingness to be a friend. The next week he returned to help clean the livingroom. Both times he left after saying "I love you" and added, "It's ok if you can't say it."

We have since spent some time together on the weekends. And yes, the sex is terrific just like when we broke up earlier in the summer. I even asked him to spend Thanksgiving with me and the family. I did so because (1) the ex wasn't coming this year (yeah!), (b) daughter Dorothy was bringing a "friend," (tres) both and he and the daughter had to return that evening to work on Black Friday, and (IV) he would not interpret the invitation as a reason to move in together or a sign that I loved him. I e-mailed the daughters and told them what was happening and told them I expected them to be on their best behavior and respectful. So he managed to pick himself off the floor (from the impromptu invitation), dress appropriately, and show up on time for the drive to St. Louis. He helped my sister with household chores while we got Thanksgiving dinner ready. (Her husband is not handy, and she just broke her wrist the week before.) He stayed out of the way when necessary, helped out when called upon, stayed quiet during the fracas, and was thrilled to be included. I don't believe anyone should be alone on Thanksgiving.

But now it's every weekend, and I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I will never be in love with him. However, I think we can be good friends, honest and helpful, kind and laughing. Should I resign myself to being with a man I am not in love with because he's great in the sack and kind to me? Will I ever be able to find another love if I continue with Blues Man? What happens if I do fall in love with someone else, do I dump Blues Man? Do I resigned myself to knowing if I stay with him, I will never have the love I once had with Sailor Boy? Are we allowed more than one "love of a lifetime"?

Feel free to talk amongst yourselves.

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At 1:50 PM, Blogger ronjazz said...

You just fuck him as you wish and enjoy it. You've shared with the man time and time and time again how you feel. Both of you would be intimately using each other for release and relief. You know me, Red...nothing wrong with that at all. Just don't lose that perspective...because you know that in this arrangement, YOU are in charge.


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