Saturday, May 17, 2008

I may vomit

Wow! A little melodramatic, are we?

Seriously, why is it that our kids can zero into our vulnerabilities without even trying. I mean, she does not mean to be making me sick to my stomach with worry. Daughter #2 has waited to the last minute to figure out housing not only for the coming school year but this summer. Officially, she is homeless as of right now. Both her car and my car are packed with all her worldy goods. I can't even pack my stuff in my car to leave town on Friday because I have all of her stuff in there with no place to put it.

Some things were out of Dorothy's control. Trouble with roommates. And by trouble, I mean one girl decided not to come back to school and another has a cat. So at her b'day celebration last night (She turned 20 yesterday, the last day of finals!), she talked to a couple of other students who need housing (Is procrastination contagious?) or who need a roommate or who waited till the last minute. We have a few plans in the works, but for right now, both of us are close to vomiting at any point.

And this is just feeding into my inadequacies as a mother. If I had a place in town for her to stay while she got her act together? If I had a place back in St. Louis for her to stay till summer school started and she found a place to live. If I had my friggin' act together. If, If, If... for a moment last week I even questioned why I left her father for a new life. Ok, that was a brief moment, but it was a moment of panic and worry. I'm past it.

I leave town in 5 days. No job. I'm lucky to have my sister to live with while looking for work. I know that. I am not homeless, but I sure feel terribly disheveled, uprooted, uncertain. The broken heart, you ask? Still breaking into a million pieces. Some days bad, some better, some days tearful, some heartsick, some angry. That can't be helping any. My head does know it's the best thing, but letting go is so damn hard. I feel vulnerable and alone.

I can't sleep and I'm starting to have panic attacks. Don't know if it's from the broken heart, the fear of the future and the unknown, saying good-bye to this town and the few people I have gotten so close to in the past 18 months, or a kid who has no place to live. I know a friend whose son has a brain tumor. I know a family who lost their son last month in a car accident. I know people with much bigger problems. But this is what I am dealing with right now.

I've always had a strong stomach, but I feel like I could vomit at any moment.

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At 2:45 PM, Blogger Leesa said...

I know this feeling, especially the instability one.
I'm sure you're having feelings from all combined.

I hope it all settles for you soon.

At 3:21 PM, Blogger having my cake said...

Thinking of you x

At 8:56 PM, Blogger Sailor said...

Sending you tons of hugs, and hoping you can work out the housing without too much more stress; thinking of you !

At 11:24 PM, Blogger Marianna said...

I felt the same way you did when I moved to WA & then again when I came over here. It's unnerving ~ to pick up & move your entire life to a new place. Just take it one day at a time, one breath at a time. It's all you can do!

Change is good. I keep reminding myself that.


At 6:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This, too, shall pass. You'll see.


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