Monday, April 07, 2008

My colon passed with flying colors

A colonoscopy is a piece of cake. Mmmmmm, piece of cake. I'm hungry. Just kidding. I would have never jeopardized my colonoscopy by introducing solids during the Day of Evacuation. But trust me, I wanted to. Every dream, and I had many, involved accidentally eating something I shouldn't which meant ANYTHING. I didn't sleep well the night before my procedure (hereby deemed The Super Dooper Pooper Snooper) out of nervousness or trips to the bathroom. But when I did sleep, it always involved food. Food accidentally being eaten out of habit, out of forgetfulness, out of boredom. I think at one point I actually dreamed of eating birthday cake, and we all know it's no where near my birthday.

But seriously, folks, I worried for nothing. The day before the test you drink nothing but liquids so there really is nothing in you... but liquid. Drinking the mixture, I will admit, isn't the tastiest of potions. Phospho-soda does taste, to quote Dave Barry, like "a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser with just a hint of lemon." So you chug it in a 1/2 glass of water. Then they tell you to chase it with 3 glasses of water. NO SHIT SHERLOCK. It didn't take reading medical instructions to figure that one out. You willingly pour anything down your gullet to get rid of that taste, but it goes away. It does not linger. (Dave Barry took Movi-Prep which I cannot attest to, but I assume it tastes as bad as Phospho-soda.)

I wished my appointment had been in the morning (a) to get it over with (b) so I could come back home and sleep the rest of the day or (c) so I could start eating sooner, but alas, it was in the afternoon. The biggest factor of not eating is boredom. Really. You don't realize how much or how often we stick something in our mouth our of boredom. But once I was taken to the Endoscopy Center, the nurses, anesthetists, and even the person who makes a living sticking tubing up people's butts were wonderful. Before putting the IV in, the nurse brought me warm blankets. They explained everything. My blood pressure was fine. And away we went. You even get chauffeured down the hall in one of those beds with wheels. The one I thought I would get when I had kids, but they made me "jump on down" into a wheelchair after delivering an 8 pound bowling ball. I finally got the escorted bed.

The nurse anesthetist administering the "milk of amnesia" said to think of a nice dream, and before I could think about being in Vegas with Sailor Boy, I was already back in my recovery room with those heated blanket on my legs. I am thinking about getting the "milk of amnesia" for my next tooth cleaning.

Hell, I should have had some for the last 10 years of my marriage.



At 11:42 AM, Blogger RONJAZZ said...

Glad to hear it, Red. I'm with you...I wish that doctors these days had better communicative skills, so people going in for whatever wouldn't blow it all out of proportion.

Now...back to life!

At 2:28 PM, Blogger ~gkw said...

Bwahahaha, for the last 10 years of your marriage!! That's funny. Of course I didn't have to live it, so it can be funny to me...

Glad everything passed with flying colors! Now go pig out! I'm tired of hearing you whine about being hungry!

At 10:42 PM, Blogger Sailor said...

I'm so glad you did this, and glad it was easier than the preparations.

At 1:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

HEY HEY HEY, 1) way to not call your daughter and say hey, everything is cool, even tonight when I stuck my head in your car window, 2) this 8 lb bowling ball is a proud story to tell me EVERY FREAKIN' BIRTHDAY... are you going to tell it in, damn..., 5 short weeks at age 20? of this bowling ball that you were so proud to not have an epidural (I have no idea if that is spelled right) and then having to "jump on down" just to be able to see the nurses faces when you came in the room with no IVs and just stepped into bed, especially in a time when women were using drugs a lot more during labor... come on mom, seriously, a story you tell me 19 times... and I'm sure you told me when I still wasn't able to actually remember the telling, and now you wish you had them wheel you in a bed... come on.

But I am glad you are free a clear, but remember, you get to do it again in a few year (did you get the 1,3,5 or 10 year pass... I think those are the common numbers I remember from Godmother extraordinaire when this topic randomly came up).

And have fun with Sailor Boy in Vegas, and remember no matter what they say... as you loved to tell me, if you fuck up, someone will find out about it and put it on the internet, and oddly enough, you will probably post something about it when you get back. But still, be careful, have fun and I love you!

At 10:42 AM, Blogger PLANET3RRY said...

glad to hear that things came out and went in as planned and that you rectified any questions about your colonic health. I think you get a merit badge for that.

At 4:31 AM, Blogger Marianna said...

Ok seriously. I MUST stop reading this during lunch!


At 10:18 AM, Blogger H. Alan Scott said...

i often dream of solid foods. well, i simply just dream of food.

At 5:14 PM, Blogger having my cake said...

Well done for getting that over with. Have a great time in Vegas x


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