The Fairy Tale Is Fading Away

I think I was in love with the fairy tale. That's why I put up with being treated with 50% of the effort while I was giving 200%. Once old friends, lonely boy seeks out lonely girl on the internet after 20 years apart. And for the past year, this love has been like none other. I have never felt this way about another man in my life. At the ripe age of 50, I felt a love that truly made me walk on air. If you had seen me through my divorce and the subsequent months, you would think I had swallowed Tinker Bell. I was downright giddy. For God's sake, I learned how to swim for this man. And now the fairy tale is slowly, painfully sliding into the sunset. I deserve to be treated better. I was willing to put up with so much because I have never felt a love this strong, this powerful. But Vegas brought out a lot of realities that were too painful to ignore. And while my heart is hurting now, the pain excrutiating, I am coming out into the light. I remember thinking last year that if I had been my friend, I would slap me and say "Snap out of it." I was that freakishly happy. Well, now if I were my friend, I would say, "It takes one hell of a man to be better than no man at all." It's time I listened to this friend.

Walking back into my apartment, reminders of Sailor Boy are everywhere. Photos of us, lotion he gave me, a photo of me in the Bay, a pirate action figure, tee-shirts, a pitcher from the Valentine's flowers. This morning I looked up on my dresser to see my Beanie Baby Crab and Lion (Zodiac signs). Maybe I should have known when the chain from my heart necklace broke when I was in Vegas. So utterly cliche. And now my own heart is breaking.

I did not even feel this kind of pain when my 27-year marriage ended. Because that had ended years before and I had work to do. This pain is almost unbearable and gut-wrenching... another thing I thought I was too old to experience. I was wrong.

We are in the negotiation stage. You will not see "busy skyping" on my IM messages. After 14 months of 2 hours almost every night on Skype, we are taking a break and reflecting. Maybe I'll be his once-in-a-while sailing girlfriend for long weekends. I don't know. We're not talking much about details. The pain is too deep.

Oh, and by the way, I am quitting my job, moving back to St. Louis, and the house has a contract on it. I won't believe it until the keys are actually turned over. There are too many changes for me to catch my breath. Please hold me in your thoughts and prayers.