Monday, April 21, 2008

The Fairy Tale Is Fading Away


I think I was in love with the fairy tale. That's why I put up with being treated with 50% of the effort while I was giving 200%. Once old friends, lonely boy seeks out lonely girl on the internet after 20 years apart. And for the past year, this love has been like none other. I have never felt this way about another man in my life. At the ripe age of 50, I felt a love that truly made me walk on air. If you had seen me through my divorce and the subsequent months, you would think I had swallowed Tinker Bell. I was downright giddy. For God's sake, I learned how to swim for this man. And now the fairy tale is slowly, painfully sliding into the sunset. I deserve to be treated better. I was willing to put up with so much because I have never felt a love this strong, this powerful. But Vegas brought out a lot of realities that were too painful to ignore. And while my heart is hurting now, the pain excrutiating, I am coming out into the light. I remember thinking last year that if I had been my friend, I would slap me and say "Snap out of it." I was that freakishly happy. Well, now if I were my friend, I would say, "It takes one hell of a man to be better than no man at all." It's time I listened to this friend.

Walking back into my apartment, reminders of Sailor Boy are everywhere. Photos of us, lotion he gave me, a photo of me in the Bay, a pirate action figure, tee-shirts, a pitcher from the Valentine's flowers. This morning I looked up on my dresser to see my Beanie Baby Crab and Lion (Zodiac signs). Maybe I should have known when the chain from my heart necklace broke when I was in Vegas. So utterly cliche. And now my own heart is breaking.

I did not even feel this kind of pain when my 27-year marriage ended. Because that had ended years before and I had work to do. This pain is almost unbearable and gut-wrenching... another thing I thought I was too old to experience. I was wrong.

We are in the negotiation stage. You will not see "busy skyping" on my IM messages. After 14 months of 2 hours almost every night on Skype, we are taking a break and reflecting. Maybe I'll be his once-in-a-while sailing girlfriend for long weekends. I don't know. We're not talking much about details. The pain is too deep.

Oh, and by the way, I am quitting my job, moving back to St. Louis, and the house has a contract on it. I won't believe it until the keys are actually turned over. There are too many changes for me to catch my breath. Please hold me in your thoughts and prayers.

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13 Comments:

At 10:44 AM, Blogger Judi said...

I am so sorry and I feel so bad for you. I have to admit.......even though we have never met........I have watched, well read your journey to see how yours went. Mine have had similar endings and I had hoped you would be a lucky one. I know the pain and I am sending you a hug. Us girls gotta stick together :)

 
At 10:48 AM, Blogger ~gkw said...

wow, I'm sad now!! I'm really sorry about this... You guys just seemed so happy....

But, if I know you, you'll rebound well and will just pick up and move on! That's what I like about you... Hey, drop me an IM or email if you need to talk....

 
At 11:13 AM, Blogger chez b├ęziat said...

Thinking of you here and wishing you well.

 
At 12:39 PM, Blogger Sarahlynn said...

Oh, RHE, I am so sorry.

I am very proud of you for standing up for yourself, but I ams sorry that you had to, that it wasn't a fairy tale after all.

Also, that By the Way was a Pretty big one! Do you have something lined up back here?

 
At 2:57 PM, Blogger having my cake said...

Big hug. I wish there were something I could do but I guess the pain has to just wear itself away so you can come out the other end, stronger and wiser. Just remember, nothing is wasted. We learn from everything x

 
At 5:49 PM, Blogger Leesa said...

I'm so sorry, E. I certainly know what it's like to want the fairy tale :(

Hope you're well.

 
At 6:01 PM, Blogger Sailor said...

All I'll do is offer more of the hugs you know I'm giving

 
At 8:44 PM, Blogger Im A Foto Nut said...

I know the pain hurts bad now, but it would hurt worse and for a much longer time had you put up with it.

 
At 1:05 PM, Blogger Redhead Editor said...

You all are the best. No one can understand blog friends unless they have them. You continue to embrace me from far away and make me feel loved, supported, and comforted.

I am rising out of the ashes... with your help. I'll be ok.

 
At 12:15 AM, Blogger Marianna said...

Wow... I am so sorry to hear this! I hope you find happiness, whatever means that may be.

M~

 
At 11:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not surprised to hear that the fairy tale is over with Sailor Boy, only because I always got the feeling from your blog that you were pinning a bucketload of hopes and dreams on this MORTAL who, inevitably, would let you down. The real stunner is that you're quitting your job and moving back to St. Louis. Holy crap, Batman! What gives?

 
At 4:18 PM, Blogger Redhead Editor said...

I can't and won't answer to an anonymous comment, but if you reveal yourself, I'll spill my guts on e-mail.

 
At 12:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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