Against My Will

With the madness that is Facebook, it seems I have given up on blogging, but my friend won't let me. I am at my lowest point in years, and he suggested (with a wagging finger from 1200 miles away) that I should start blogging again. Perhaps to get out the poison. I don't know what good it will do. I doubt that anyone is left out there to read my blog. But this is for me, I guess. To purge. To get my thoughts out on "paper." To develop a game plan. And my friend will be checking up on me so I'd better do what he says. I'm nothing if not obedient.

Four years ago this weekend, I told my husband I was leaving him. We walked around the house like zombies for the next 4 weeks. I was moving to a city 2 hours away to be with my daughters, packing up and moving without him. (I loved them more than I ever loved him.) I had 25 years of being ignored, being unloved being lonely, and I couldn't take it any more. 3 years ago last weekend my divorce was final, and on Labor Day of 2007, a month after I turned 50, I sailed off with Sailor Boy, the love of my life, for a fabulous weekend on the Chesapeake Bay. Life was good. I had the job of my dreams. I never dreamed life could be so good. 2 years ago this weekend I moved back to Columbia after a 3-month hiatus to heal my broken heart. I started a new job with the university, moved into my own place after 2 years of living in people's homes or basements. Life was exciting, scary, lonely but empowering. Last Labor Day weekend I broke it off with the new man in my life who adored me but drank way too much. The feeling was not mutual, but the sex was incredible. How was I attracting these practicing alcoholics? But still, life was good. A job I really liked. A place of my own.

So now 4 years later here I sit: unemployed and alone. You see, I came back from my daughter's wedding in July and got laid off. 7 weeks ago. And while I have applied for tons of jobs, I have not even gotten a phone call. Not one call. Not one nibble. I am 53 with an English degree in a college town where college degrees are a dime a dozen. The lay-off came out of nowhere and has knocked me off my feet. Budget cuts. I cannot catch my breath. I am alone by choice as I have spent the better part of the last year going back and forth with Blues Man until I kicked him to the curb again last weekend. My kids have their own lives.

So I am sitting here inside on a beautiful Labor Sunday. Well, not entirely alone. The Black Monster follows me. I have struggled with The Black Thing for years to the surprise of many. But those of us who live with depression are not surprised. I put on a good front, and usually it is under control. But I am miserable most days. And yes I am medicated, but without a job and without some spark of happiness in my life, I sit here alone watching television or checking facebook. It would be far worse without anti-depressants. Been there, never wanna do that again. I should go out for a walk in this beautiful weather that has come to Missouri over Labor day Weekend, but I don't have the energy to get up and out. Everyone tells me to go exercise.

So, with instructions from my finger-wagging, hugging from a distance friend I will try to blog more often and catch you (and me) up on the last 8 months since I blogged last. I will try to be back on a regular basis. He's watching. And I'm nothing if not obedient.

Wanted: One single man with benefits

And not those kinds of benefits. Not friends with benefits. Nope, not those. I mean health care benefits.

First, I interviewed with my current organization on the affiliate in St. Louis. There is an educator position available, but they are turning it into 2 part time positions. You wonder why? Wonder no more. You don't have to pay part time people benefits. When I raised the concern yesterday (as in , don't bother interviewing me if you can't offer me benefits) the HR person said we could discuss more during the phone interview. What she meant was "Are you willing to help us out PRN until you get full time work?" Bull shit.

So I drove off to St. Louis, had lunch with 2 former work friends from my publishing days and got 2 books I worked on for my interview. Hated driving in the big city again after 18 months of small college town driving. Found the place for the interview. I was great. She loved me. I was about to meet the CEO when she said, "Oh, by the way, we offer a retirement plan but no healthcare benefits. Is that a deal breaker?" WHAT??? Are you kidding me??? I said, "Yes, it's a deal breaker." She said, "Well, I heard you say 'divorce' and thought it might be," and I wanted to say, "Did you think my ex had benefits when we were married??? Because he never had a job with bennies. It was all me!" I gathered my things, and she apologized for having me drive in all this way for the interview. She did ask if I had looked into obtaining health care benefits on my own, and I told her that was a bust when I was unemployed (and freelancing) years ago because I have pre-existing conditions. I mentioned high cholesterol but did not mention depression so she wouldn't think I would come back and go "postal" on her. "Maybe," she said, "I should have mentioned this earlier?" Do ya think???? I was furious. One vacation day and 2 tanks of gas later and this is the sign of the times. I am still fuming. I know it's the beginning of my job search and that the job sounded boring, but damn it, what do they expect in this day and age???

So if you know of any single men out there with great benefits, let me know. Will marry for insurance.