Against My Will

With the madness that is Facebook, it seems I have given up on blogging, but my friend won't let me. I am at my lowest point in years, and he suggested (with a wagging finger from 1200 miles away) that I should start blogging again. Perhaps to get out the poison. I don't know what good it will do. I doubt that anyone is left out there to read my blog. But this is for me, I guess. To purge. To get my thoughts out on "paper." To develop a game plan. And my friend will be checking up on me so I'd better do what he says. I'm nothing if not obedient.

Four years ago this weekend, I told my husband I was leaving him. We walked around the house like zombies for the next 4 weeks. I was moving to a city 2 hours away to be with my daughters, packing up and moving without him. (I loved them more than I ever loved him.) I had 25 years of being ignored, being unloved being lonely, and I couldn't take it any more. 3 years ago last weekend my divorce was final, and on Labor Day of 2007, a month after I turned 50, I sailed off with Sailor Boy, the love of my life, for a fabulous weekend on the Chesapeake Bay. Life was good. I had the job of my dreams. I never dreamed life could be so good. 2 years ago this weekend I moved back to Columbia after a 3-month hiatus to heal my broken heart. I started a new job with the university, moved into my own place after 2 years of living in people's homes or basements. Life was exciting, scary, lonely but empowering. Last Labor Day weekend I broke it off with the new man in my life who adored me but drank way too much. The feeling was not mutual, but the sex was incredible. How was I attracting these practicing alcoholics? But still, life was good. A job I really liked. A place of my own.

So now 4 years later here I sit: unemployed and alone. You see, I came back from my daughter's wedding in July and got laid off. 7 weeks ago. And while I have applied for tons of jobs, I have not even gotten a phone call. Not one call. Not one nibble. I am 53 with an English degree in a college town where college degrees are a dime a dozen. The lay-off came out of nowhere and has knocked me off my feet. Budget cuts. I cannot catch my breath. I am alone by choice as I have spent the better part of the last year going back and forth with Blues Man until I kicked him to the curb again last weekend. My kids have their own lives.

So I am sitting here inside on a beautiful Labor Sunday. Well, not entirely alone. The Black Monster follows me. I have struggled with The Black Thing for years to the surprise of many. But those of us who live with depression are not surprised. I put on a good front, and usually it is under control. But I am miserable most days. And yes I am medicated, but without a job and without some spark of happiness in my life, I sit here alone watching television or checking facebook. It would be far worse without anti-depressants. Been there, never wanna do that again. I should go out for a walk in this beautiful weather that has come to Missouri over Labor day Weekend, but I don't have the energy to get up and out. Everyone tells me to go exercise.

So, with instructions from my finger-wagging, hugging from a distance friend I will try to blog more often and catch you (and me) up on the last 8 months since I blogged last. I will try to be back on a regular basis. He's watching. And I'm nothing if not obedient.