When I fall in love...

... It will be forever
Or I'll never fall in love

In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before it's begun.
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun.

When I give my heart,
It will be completely
Or I'll never give my heart.

And the moment I can feel that
You feel that way, too
Is when I fall in love with you.

The line I want you to concentrate on, dear reader, is "or I'll never give my heart." My question recently is ... are we (as the general human population) allowed just one love, and if it doesn't work out, you have shot your proverbial wad? Some people are lucky enough to fall in love with someone who loves them equally, and they spend the rest of their lives together. Some people, me, for instance, fall in love once, and it doesn't work out. And I just started wondering if I am incapable of ever loving again since I now know what love, truly mad, passionate love, feels like, and I won't settle for anything less. Was Sailor Boy my one and only? Will my heart ever find love again?

Don't get me wrong, I am over him. I do not pine for him. I know for a fact that our love was vibrant, life-altering, and, perhaps, a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Am I melo-dramatic? Perhaps, but I feel blessed to have felt that kind of love once in my life. I do not, for one minute, believe our being together forever would have been a good thing. Nor do I hope we will ever be a couple in the future. We had to go our separate ways. I do not fool myself into believing love can or will ever happen again. But Blues Man is back in my life, and he professes his love and would do anything for me, but I cannot return the feelings. For now, he says he is perfectly fine with that. Before this summer, he would never say "I love you" because he knew it pissed me off and that I could and would never say it back. The feeling was not mutual. But after our recent "reunion," he started saying it and adding, "And I don't care that you can't say it. I'm not hiding how I feel any more." What do I do with that?

Briefly, let me explain how and why Blues Man came back. I have not talked to him all summer. He pulled some shitty things on me, and it was quite easy to kick him to the curb, so I never answered his e-mails of apology, never answered his few phone calls when he tried to beg for forgiveness. I was just damn glad he never stalked me or dropped by unannounced. And I sat in my dark bedroom all summer only appearing outside to go exercise. I was a mess over my firing, and he knew it, but he never overstepped his bounds (except for staying in touch to let me know he was there for me). So 4 weeks ago I answered an e-mail to say I couldn't figure out how to open the furnace and replace the filter so he dropped by with his tools, got down on one knee and begged for forgiveness with tears streaming down his face, and changed my furnace filter. I told him to stop being so hard on himself. That evening he e-mailed me and said that as long as we were friends, he had to be honest and tell me my place was a wreck. In 5 months not one person had come into my condo (except my one daughter who's my roommate), not even my sisters or other daughter. Not one friend was allowed in. I was truly a mess. I had let the place go to hell, and he knew it was a reflection of my depression, and he wasn't going to stay quiet. I didn't even see how bad it was. We were, after all, friends. So he laid it on the line and told me the truth. Depression manifests itself in many ways, but in my case, I had not come out of my room in months and had stopped fighting my roommate who was (and still is) a slob. So in telling me like it was, he offered to help me clean up. and so the next day he came over and together, we spent 5 hours cleaning my kitchen alone. It looked amazing. And was long overdo. We scrubbed and rearranged and threw out and dusted and scrubbed some more. I was so moved by his honesty, kindess, generosity, and willingness to be a friend. The next week he returned to help clean the livingroom. Both times he left after saying "I love you" and added, "It's ok if you can't say it."

We have since spent some time together on the weekends. And yes, the sex is terrific just like when we broke up earlier in the summer. I even asked him to spend Thanksgiving with me and the family. I did so because (1) the ex wasn't coming this year (yeah!), (b) daughter Dorothy was bringing a "friend," (tres) both and he and the daughter had to return that evening to work on Black Friday, and (IV) he would not interpret the invitation as a reason to move in together or a sign that I loved him. I e-mailed the daughters and told them what was happening and told them I expected them to be on their best behavior and respectful. So he managed to pick himself off the floor (from the impromptu invitation), dress appropriately, and show up on time for the drive to St. Louis. He helped my sister with household chores while we got Thanksgiving dinner ready. (Her husband is not handy, and she just broke her wrist the week before.) He stayed out of the way when necessary, helped out when called upon, stayed quiet during the fracas, and was thrilled to be included. I don't believe anyone should be alone on Thanksgiving.

But now it's every weekend, and I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I will never be in love with him. However, I think we can be good friends, honest and helpful, kind and laughing. Should I resign myself to being with a man I am not in love with because he's great in the sack and kind to me? Will I ever be able to find another love if I continue with Blues Man? What happens if I do fall in love with someone else, do I dump Blues Man? Do I resigned myself to knowing if I stay with him, I will never have the love I once had with Sailor Boy? Are we allowed more than one "love of a lifetime"?

Feel free to talk amongst yourselves.

Against My Will

With the madness that is Facebook, it seems I have given up on blogging, but my friend won't let me. I am at my lowest point in years, and he suggested (with a wagging finger from 1200 miles away) that I should start blogging again. Perhaps to get out the poison. I don't know what good it will do. I doubt that anyone is left out there to read my blog. But this is for me, I guess. To purge. To get my thoughts out on "paper." To develop a game plan. And my friend will be checking up on me so I'd better do what he says. I'm nothing if not obedient.

Four years ago this weekend, I told my husband I was leaving him. We walked around the house like zombies for the next 4 weeks. I was moving to a city 2 hours away to be with my daughters, packing up and moving without him. (I loved them more than I ever loved him.) I had 25 years of being ignored, being unloved being lonely, and I couldn't take it any more. 3 years ago last weekend my divorce was final, and on Labor Day of 2007, a month after I turned 50, I sailed off with Sailor Boy, the love of my life, for a fabulous weekend on the Chesapeake Bay. Life was good. I had the job of my dreams. I never dreamed life could be so good. 2 years ago this weekend I moved back to Columbia after a 3-month hiatus to heal my broken heart. I started a new job with the university, moved into my own place after 2 years of living in people's homes or basements. Life was exciting, scary, lonely but empowering. Last Labor Day weekend I broke it off with the new man in my life who adored me but drank way too much. The feeling was not mutual, but the sex was incredible. How was I attracting these practicing alcoholics? But still, life was good. A job I really liked. A place of my own.

So now 4 years later here I sit: unemployed and alone. You see, I came back from my daughter's wedding in July and got laid off. 7 weeks ago. And while I have applied for tons of jobs, I have not even gotten a phone call. Not one call. Not one nibble. I am 53 with an English degree in a college town where college degrees are a dime a dozen. The lay-off came out of nowhere and has knocked me off my feet. Budget cuts. I cannot catch my breath. I am alone by choice as I have spent the better part of the last year going back and forth with Blues Man until I kicked him to the curb again last weekend. My kids have their own lives.

So I am sitting here inside on a beautiful Labor Sunday. Well, not entirely alone. The Black Monster follows me. I have struggled with The Black Thing for years to the surprise of many. But those of us who live with depression are not surprised. I put on a good front, and usually it is under control. But I am miserable most days. And yes I am medicated, but without a job and without some spark of happiness in my life, I sit here alone watching television or checking facebook. It would be far worse without anti-depressants. Been there, never wanna do that again. I should go out for a walk in this beautiful weather that has come to Missouri over Labor day Weekend, but I don't have the energy to get up and out. Everyone tells me to go exercise.

So, with instructions from my finger-wagging, hugging from a distance friend I will try to blog more often and catch you (and me) up on the last 8 months since I blogged last. I will try to be back on a regular basis. He's watching. And I'm nothing if not obedient.

Button, button, who's got the...

I cannot believe it has been 3 months since I last posted. Blame it on facebook. I have been sucked in . I do not, for one moment, believe I have any followers left but will use this space for journaling. And just in case some of you are not on Facebook.

So what have I been up to? Nuttin' much. It's been cold in Missouri. Wore the winter coat up through last week, had one week of spring, and now it's cold and rainy again. My craft for this past winter/spring was in the form of buttons. When Sailor Boy's mother died last year, he and his sister gave me her entire button collection. Now, if you know me, you know I love love love buttons, and I was so humbled by the gesture. But as you can imagine, they were the last (or one of the last) thing I was holding onto. I couldn't exactly just send them back since both he and his sister wanted me to have them, but I couldn't exactly keep them.

So I came up with this plan. Fashioned after a wreath made my of my mother's terribly ugly jewelry that my sister made me for Christmas, I came up with the wreath idea. How do you like it? I am so in love with the final outcome.
In the second picture notice the "L" made of shell buttons since his mother's name begins with an "L." (Figure it out yourself.) I had enough buttons to make his sister a wreath and him a smaller version and have some set aside for my collection. It took hours just to wash the buttons from decades of dirt. And soon I will mail the wreaths to Florida and DC so they can have these mementos of their mother. I know, I am crazy for giving them away, but I just couldn't keep them. And I did put some back for my own personal collection.

Valentine's Day was lovely. Went to KC to go dancing. Stayed in a lovely hotel that made Las Vegas look like a joke. Got some fancy unmentionables from Vicky Secrets. March found me in Springfield at another blues concert. April saw the Mizzou Tigers getting into the Elite Eight NCAA basketball tournament beating Cornell, Marq uette, and Memphis before losing to UConn. Columbia was pretty damn excited. And our coach is sticking around till 2016. It's been fun. Now it's baseball season. Help me!

Tried Soft Paws on the kitty. She does not like them. I glue them on. She chews them off. I glue them on. She glues them off. Well, you get the picture. I thought since she is the sweetest cat in the world that she would tolerate them, but I was wrong. Lovely Shephard suggested I tried a sizzle rope scratching post, but she is ignoring it. As for scratching my brand new couch, let's just say she'd better get a lawyer. I don't want to declaw the little kitty, but I might have to. I have heard they do it by laser now so it's not as cruel. What do you think?

April was still chilly, but I got to KC again and saw my old sex ed buddies on the Plaza before spending the evening dancing. I'm a wild woman. Ha! I am being treated beautifully by a wonderful gentleman we'll call Blues Man. Great cook, makes me breakfast in bed, takes me dancing, loves my cat, and puts down the toilet seat.

Saw the last episode of ER which I have not missed in all 15 years. And am mourning the loss of Bea Arthur. As you may remember, I spend the summer on the couch sobbing over every Lifetime movie and laughing over hours of Golden Girls. I knew I had hit rock bottom when I watched a 4-hr marathon in memory of Estelle Getty. But damn it, those ladies kept me going this summer and now I mourn the loss of Dorothy Zbornak. I would do well to model my life after these 4 wonderful women.


Our choir's Broadway production in March was a big hit. Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man, Oklahoma, Climb Every Mountain. Every cheesy Broadway number out there. With choreography. YIKES! Old people singing AND dancing. And now, we are is putting on the finishing touches for our concert of Mozart's Requiem next week. One daughter, 2 sisters, and Blue Man are coming (along with 4 other friends). I have a posse!

Going to Bonnie Raitt next week for Blues Man's birthday. Life is good.

Happy Groundhog Day

Rise and shine, Campers. And don't forget your booties cuz it's cold out there.

I have been very negligent of ye ole' blog. Went an entire month without nary a "howdy do" on this thing, and I apologize to the 2 or 3 fan club members who still read my blog. I am well. If it makes you feel any better, I have yet to send out my Christmas cards with my annual letter. I just don't know how to sum up my year. Perhaps I will date it Groundhog Day. Or perhaps it will be a Lenten missive?

The man I have been keeping company with knew how hard New Year's Eve would be for me so we had a quiet evening at home for dinner and then he took me to KC for a night of music and dancing later that weekend. Being with someone right now scares me for I fear my heart is either frozen or encased in plexi-glass, but I have been lucky to find this fine man who is kind and giving and loving beyond my wildest imagination. We do not share the same taste in music, but I am trying to expand my tastes. The choir I am in will be doing a Night on Broadway in March and Mozart's Requiem in May, and I guess he will be expanding his tastes as well.

Mabel (Daughter #1) fainted off the treadmill a couple of weekends ago and hit her head. Needed some staples in the back of her head, and we had to talk her into taking the day off work. Telling her she needed to rest from a concussion didn't convince her. Telling her needed the time to grade papers that she lost while being in the ER all Saturday didn't convince her. But reminding her that she couldn't wash her hair for 48 hrs and would have to teach with dirty hair made her realize that she couldn't teach that way. In the end, she took the Monday afterwards off, called in "ugly," and I came over to wash her hair carefully and not touch the staples. If you know my daughter, she never handled Q-tips in her ear well so nurse after nurse in the ER reminded her that she would need an epidural if she ever gave birth! He b/f got a kick out of that and documented the day with photos on her iPhone. It was determined that she has low blood pressure and she is fine with another war story for the year.

Barack on! Was the inauguration a thing of beauty?? I was so moved and so lucky to be able to watch as much of it as I did during the day. Working at a university in the College of Education, I was able to watch much of it on the internet and then the swearing in on tv in the dean's office. What a momentous occasion. I sure wish my mother had lived long enough to see this day. I have added The Rev. Gene Robinson's prayer that did not get much, if any, air time. Poetry.

"O God of our many understandings, we pray that you will bless us with tears - tears for a world in which over a billion people exist on less than a dollar a day, where young women in many lands are beaten and raped for wanting an education, and thousands die daily from malnutrition, malaria, and AIDS.

Bless this nation with anger - anger at discrimination, at home and abroad, against refugees and immigrants, women, people of color, gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people.

Bless us with discomfort at the easy, simplistic answers we've preferred to hear from our politicians, instead of the truth about ourselves and our world, which we need to face if we are going to rise to the challenges of the future.

Bless us with patience and the knowledge that none of what ails us will be fixed anytime soon, and the understanding that our new president is a human being, not a messiah.

Bless us with humility, open to understanding that our own needs as a nation must always be balanced with those of the world.

Bless us with freedom from mere tolerance, replacing it with a genuine respect and warm embrace of our differences.

Bless us with compassion and generosity, remembering that every religion's God judges us by the way we care for the most vulnerable.

And God, we give you thanks for your child, Barack, as he assumes the office of President of the United States.

Give him wisdom beyond his years, inspire him with President Lincoln's reconciling leadership style, President Kennedy's ability to enlist our best efforts, and Dr. King's dream of a nation for all people. Give him a quiet heart, for our ship of state needs a steady, calm
captain.

Give him stirring words; We will need to be inspired and motivated to make the personal and common sacrifices necessary to facing the challenges ahead.

Make him color-blind, reminding him of his own words that under his leadership, there will be neither red nor blue states, but the United States.

Help him remember his own oppression as a minority, drawing on that experience of discrimination, that he might seek to change the lives of those who are still its victims.

Give him strength to find family time and privacy, and help him remember that even though he is president, a father only gets one shot at his daughters' childhoods.

And please, God, keep him safe. We know we ask too much of our presidents, and we're asking far too much of this one. We implore you, O good and great God, to keep him safe. Hold him in the palm of your hand, that he might do the work we have called him to do, that he might find
joy in this impossible calling, and that in the end, he might lead us as a nation to a place of integrity, prosperity, and peace. Amen."

It has been cold in Missouri and even colder when I went to Chicago last weekend to visit my friend Bruce and run around in 4-degree temps. I even got to meet a blog friend for breakfast. which was so much fun. Those who do not blog cannot understand how wonderful it is to meet people from all over the world through this and then get to meet them personally. What a joy!

We didn't get the snow St. Louis got last week so life is cold but tolerable in mid-Missouri.