Sunday, October 23, 2005

My husband is the devil

Of course, I'm kidding. He's really not. It's just... I figured out something this weekend while we went grocery shopping. That skinny little bastard has gained maybe 10 lbs since I met him thirty years ago. I know there are women who have only gained 10 lbs in 30 years. I said I know them, but I don't necessarily like them. We were a bit hungry when we went grocery shopping which is not a good thing, but this man is insatiable, and I ain't talking about "in the bedroom." There's not much left in the "deli's section" (where you don't have to cook) after 10 o'clock which is when we were at Schnucks so he pounced (and I do mean POUNCED) on a container of fried chicken that he said we could heat up and add mashed potatoes. I have been trying to eat on the South Beach Diet (which he refers to as the South Park Diet), and I don't think fried chicken and mashed potatoes are on that, do you?

He wanted some muffins for breakfast and chose a box set of 4 that were each bigger than my head. You know the ones. While standing at the bakery section, he eyes some half cakes and grumbles that if you double the price (and subsequently) the size of the cake, the price is astronomical so you might as well buy a whole cake. And plop, he throws an entire carrot cake into the basket. Now he knows my weakness (and again, I'm not talking about "in the bedroom"), and carrot cake is my favorite. It is the perfect food because it could be considered a vegetable (carrots), protein (nuts), a fruit (raisins, optional), and a dairy (nice thick cream cheese frosting). I was incredulous.

And as we strolled through the aisles, I was convinced I was shopping with the devil, as I threw various temptations out of the basket after he would throw them in. I forgot what it was like having him home. He was killing me. Finally, we're in the dairy section where I pick up some light cream cheese and 1/2% milk, and the man starts to eyeball the cookie dough (with pumpkin decor) and picks up a "tofer" - 2 tubes of chocolates cookie dough for ... who knows how much... he thought it was a bargain. He leaves tomorrow morning. What am I going to do with two tubes of chocolate chip cookie dough (and no one better add "in the bedroom")? I haven't had pasta in 5 weeks and tonight this man serves me chicken, noodles draped in cheese and CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES for dinner. (I only had 1.) Now can you agree... He's the devil.

Things I don't miss while the DH lives out of town during the week:
food temptations in the kitchen
Diet Coke without caffeine (WHY bother?)
Cleaning up after him (Can the man rinse a dish in the sink?)
Buying fattening food when grocery shopping
Being ignored while talking
Waking him up when he falls asleep in various positions in front of the tv
Pissing and moaning about the Cardinals NOT being in the World Series (get over it.)

Things I miss while the DH works out of town:
Keeping me warm now that winter is creeping into St. Louis
Having dinner appear in front of me
Doing yard work, raking leaves, checking roof shingles for damage.
Taking the dog out and feeding her after I wake him up
Filling the car up with gas (without being asked)
Doing all the driving

Did I mention keeping me warm in the bedroom? (And I do mean "keeping me warm." It's getting cold in Missouri.)


At 8:48 AM, Blogger Leesa said...

Don't we have alot in common?? I'm always cleaning up after Hurricane Husband. He eats what he wants..even if he does gain any weight, you can't tell.
Men. Sheesh.

At 1:28 AM, Blogger Sarahlynn said...

Classic post!

At 4:58 AM, Blogger redhead83402 said...

oh c'mon, he can't be THAT bad, you married him! And besides which, if my DH materialized dinner in front of my eyes, I would simply DIE of amazement. Quite frankly, I don't think he even knows where the kitchen IS.

But I sure do know what you mean about the stinking skinny shmucks! How is it that a man can manage to only increase /decrease his weight by FIVE LOUSY POUNDS since FRICKIN COLLEGE??? I don't know, I say give 'em all hormone shots, make 'em bloat once a month, and then make them be pregnant for 7 yrs running. Maybe that would affect the ol' metabolism a touch, eh?


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