Where I "Want" to be in a year?

Today's assignment is "Where I want to be in a year." He said, "Not where you see yourself or not where you feel you'll be, but where you want to be." All I thought was "Oh shit."

First, let me explain that one of the symptoms of depression is seeing no future, no hope so how am I supposed to know where the fuck I want to be in a year. Okay, I want to be employed. I want to be happy. I want to be happily employed. But I don't see that possible with my past following me, my past employment history. Ever since I was laid off at the big publishing company and then blackballed from ever working there again, I have not been happily employed (except for that time at Planned Parenthood that I loved more than anything). People should not take liking their jobs for granted.

I want to wake up in the morning and be glad to be alive, not dread another day. I want to wake up and hit the ground running and feel as if I am helping people and doing some good in this world. I want to pay my bills and not worry. I want to go out with friends every once in a while and laugh. Oh God, I want to laugh. I can't even remember what that feels like. I want the weight in my chest to go away. I want my heart to stop beating out of my chest. I want to stop sleeping to avoid life. I want to be powerful and in control. I want my kids to see me the way they saw me when they were growing up, not as this weak, whimpering, depressed shell of a human. I want someone in my life who makes my heart skip a beat when I hear/feel my phone go off or when I see him on-line so we can chat or when I see him in person. I want to feel love again. I want to be loved again. And did I already say, I want to laugh again?

While we're on the subject, I found this yesterday on a website (as I have signed up to received depression news, literally, news about depression, not depressing news). It's as if someone interviewed me and took notes.

Writing in a journal is another technique to get in tune with your moods and feelings, and it "can be very helpful for some people," Viguera adds. When charting or journaling, note any common symptoms or signs of depression and how severe they are, such as:

• A feeling of sadness that persists
• Difficulty sleeping or sleeping more than usual
• Changes in appetite (eating more or less than usual)
• Withdrawing from social interaction
  
• Losing interest in hobbies or pleasurable activities
• Lack of energy
• Problems concentrating and remembering
• Feeling hopeless, helpless, or negative

So, I guess I will be "journaling" more "to get in tune with my moods and feelings." How 'bout I don't want to get in tune with my moods and feelings? They are all too damn depressing.