10 months of exercising...

For the 2nd time, I have discovered through the internet that a job I interviewed for has been filled. Both positions were on the university website, and I feel strongly that they should have something in place to notify applicants (at least the ones interviewed) that the position has been filled before posting it on their application status. I was not devastated the first time. I am devastated this time because I really like this job. For the first time in a long time, I was interviewed for a job that was not an administrative assistant position, was not filling out someone else's expense report, was not typing correspondence for someone else, was not about ordering supplies for a department. It was for a position that I could be proud of being creative and learning.

In the first situation, I waited 2 weeks before taking steps. And when I did, I sent an e-mail to the effect of "I saw by my status that the position for xyz was filled. Congratulations in finding the right person for the position." And I meant it. I wanted them to know that they did not have to bother notifying me. I already knew. The woman in charge called the next day, leaving a message on my phone, stumbling all over herself apologizing that I found out this way. She said, "I was so afraid this would happen since I was out on business." I call bull shit since the university would never authorize two weeks of business traveling. She wanted me to return her call so she could explain why I didn't make the 2nd round of interviews. I really don't care. I don't plan to return the call.

In this most recent case, I was going to make my follow-up call tomorrow (since they had not told me when they would make the decision) but looked up my status tonight before calling in the morning. I was devastated to say the least. The made the decision so quickly (one week) when they had told me they had just started interviewing with me. And obviously they made the decision a few days before that since HR imputed the info into the status. I probably will not e-mail the same message, but it will be interesting if I ever hear from them that I didn't make it the cut. When did they possibly have time to do 2nd interview before making that decision? It is obvious they had someone in mind and just went through the steps. This job involved creativity, something I haven't used i a long time. It involved learning some new material, definitely something I don't think I am capable of but was looking forward to the opportunity. This job was not working for someone as much as it was working with others.

I still have one interview out there dangling me along. I have written my follow-up thank you notes and called twice. I don't want to be a nuisance, but I have nothing else out there. It's been a month since that first interview. although people mean well, I am really tired of hearing people say, "I just know something is coming your way. Something better. Something more suited to your talents." I want to say, "How in the fuck do you know? You don't know. You're just saying that." This weekend I went to a 50th birthday party. I had to force myself to drive into St. Louis to attend since my first reaction to anything is to hide in my condo, in my bedroom. (Act well your part; there all the honor lies.) This dear friend was making small talk in her kitchen and cited a study that exercising for 10 months has a better outcome on depression than anti-depressants. Apparently, earlier studies said that exercising and anti-depressants had the same affect, but they stopped earlier than 10 months. She mentioned that if you could get the participants to continue exercising, it will eventually work, and work better than medication. And I added, "But how to you convince those people to get out of their rooms and exercise?"

Every night when I am thinking about my next day I think, "Tomorrow will be the day I wake up at a decent time. Tomorrow will be the day I will go for a walk no matter what. Tomorrow will be the day I return to the gym." And then I can't fall asleep. I toss and turn while conversations and scenarios of my wretched failed life go tumbling in my head. And I wake past noon, having overslept the alarm I keep setting to keep myself in the habit of waking in the morning. And I can feel the tears that have leaked down my face in the night. And I drag myself out of bed to put in my contacts and brush my teeth, and I pat myself on the back for making the bed and putting on clothes. Those are my 2 achievements. But exercise? Walking? Treadmill? You have got to be kidding me? How do I get out of the house? I continue to be immobilized day in and day out. 10 months? I can't imagine tomorrow, let alone what I will be doing in 10 months.

Tomorrow will mark 12 weeks of unemployment.