Sunday, May 20, 2007

One more new thing...

Today I took my first swimming lesson. I am almost 50 and have made it this far without knowing how to swim. Not my fault. Poor kid. No car. Lived too far away from the only pool in town. Never learned. Made sure the kids did, but I never did learn. But no more. I will not turn 50 and not know how to swim.

A week from now I will be on a boat in the middle of water. There will be no swimming because it's too cold, but you never know if I have to save my life one day so I am learning how to swim. I am nothing if not responsible.

Divorce hearing on Tuesday. Just the beginning, not the ending. It will end when I lose 1/2 of everything and he gains 1/2 of my 401K and pension. I have to accept that as the outcome. So much for staying together "for the kids."

Both girls are leaving for Maine this summer. So much for moving to be close to the girls. I am moving (again) in a week, to my daughter's apartment, living alone while I anxiously await the sale of our house so I can buy/rent something on my own. Until then, I remain a gypsy. I think if I add one more new thing to my life this week, my head will surely explode.

I'm still learning at my job and not feeling real competent there either. This turning 50 is not for wimps. Part of me wishes my vacation this weekend was reading a book in bed, curled up in a ball, watching tv when I tire of reading. Part of me is so excited for this new experience on the horizon. The other part of me wants to puke. Ok, so that's 3 halves. I never claimed to be good at math.

Wish me luck.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Playing With Scissors

Don't wanna get "dooced," but since the following story happened to me and not someone else, I decided I can tell it for the laughs. Wait till you read what happened to me yesterday during my presentation at the middle school with my boss observing me. Before I forget, without coming right out and telling everyone before, I do teach sex education.

This was at an alternative school but still in pubic school that is an abstinence ONLY based sex ed district. Don't even get me started on this way of thinking. Save that for another post. At the end of my presentation, the teacher (who is pretty gutsy to have me there in the first place) said, "Can you demonstrate how to put on a condom?" Now I don't normally bring my penis model with me for every demonstration. I just don't carry it with me unless I know there is to be a condom demonstration. And frankly, I have not been asked this yet so I was not prepared. Not to mention the fact that I personally have not used a condom since I tried NOT to get pregnant in 1982. I know it can go over your hand and fist and up to your elbow to demonstrate that it's big enough for any guy.

But more than anything, I did not want to go to jail. I had visions of the Condom Police coming in and busting us. I had a look of panic when she asked that, and my boss said my body language indicated pure panic. Seriously, I was more concerned that we would get into trouble than I was about the in's and out of condom usage. But he jumped up and said, "I can help with that." Great, just the kind of help I need. So he starts looking for something to work with. Luckily, I bring condoms to my STI presentation (when I don't hand them out as freebies at the end) to show the wrapper (and the expiration date) even if I can't hand them out (which I can't at an abstinence ONLY based district). So he grabs a pair of scissors off the teacher's desk, but I think they are to show the kids what NOT to use when opening the wrapper. Don't use your teeth. Don't use an X-acto blade. Don't use scissors. But instead, he hands them to me and says, "Let's pretend this is a penis." Great, I get to hold the pretend penis. It's times like this I actually float above myself and imagine this scene which is so laughable, but I can't laugh. So he opens up the wrapper, "blows on the party hat" to check for holes, and rolls the condom down over the scissors that I am holding by the handle, hoping, of course, that the blades don't nick the condom and virtually blow the whole purpose of the demonstration. I wanted the whole scene to freeze like the "hold" button on a VCR.

Then he shows how to holds the base of the "scissors" and pull the penis out before rolling off the condom. Then he ties it in a knot to dispose of it while telling the kids never to flush it down the toilet. I add, "If you think you're embarrassed to use one of these, imagine having to tell your parents they need to call the Roto Rooter Man cuz you stopped up the toilet." Of course, now the scissors and I am covered in lubricant. I doubt that that teacher will ever want to use those scissors again. I know I will never look at scissors the same way.

Puts a whole new meaning to "playing with scissors."