Playing With Scissors

Don't wanna get "dooced," but since the following story happened to me and not someone else, I decided I can tell it for the laughs. Wait till you read what happened to me yesterday during my presentation at the middle school with my boss observing me. Before I forget, without coming right out and telling everyone before, I do teach sex education.

This was at an alternative school but still in pubic school that is an abstinence ONLY based sex ed district. Don't even get me started on this way of thinking. Save that for another post. At the end of my presentation, the teacher (who is pretty gutsy to have me there in the first place) said, "Can you demonstrate how to put on a condom?" Now I don't normally bring my penis model with me for every demonstration. I just don't carry it with me unless I know there is to be a condom demonstration. And frankly, I have not been asked this yet so I was not prepared. Not to mention the fact that I personally have not used a condom since I tried NOT to get pregnant in 1982. I know it can go over your hand and fist and up to your elbow to demonstrate that it's big enough for any guy.

But more than anything, I did not want to go to jail. I had visions of the Condom Police coming in and busting us. I had a look of panic when she asked that, and my boss said my body language indicated pure panic. Seriously, I was more concerned that we would get into trouble than I was about the in's and out of condom usage. But he jumped up and said, "I can help with that." Great, just the kind of help I need. So he starts looking for something to work with. Luckily, I bring condoms to my STI presentation (when I don't hand them out as freebies at the end) to show the wrapper (and the expiration date) even if I can't hand them out (which I can't at an abstinence ONLY based district). So he grabs a pair of scissors off the teacher's desk, but I think they are to show the kids what NOT to use when opening the wrapper. Don't use your teeth. Don't use an X-acto blade. Don't use scissors. But instead, he hands them to me and says, "Let's pretend this is a penis." Great, I get to hold the pretend penis. It's times like this I actually float above myself and imagine this scene which is so laughable, but I can't laugh. So he opens up the wrapper, "blows on the party hat" to check for holes, and rolls the condom down over the scissors that I am holding by the handle, hoping, of course, that the blades don't nick the condom and virtually blow the whole purpose of the demonstration. I wanted the whole scene to freeze like the "hold" button on a VCR.

Then he shows how to holds the base of the "scissors" and pull the penis out before rolling off the condom. Then he ties it in a knot to dispose of it while telling the kids never to flush it down the toilet. I add, "If you think you're embarrassed to use one of these, imagine having to tell your parents they need to call the Roto Rooter Man cuz you stopped up the toilet." Of course, now the scissors and I am covered in lubricant. I doubt that that teacher will ever want to use those scissors again. I know I will never look at scissors the same way.

Puts a whole new meaning to "playing with scissors."