I Should Have Been More Specific

I received a comment on my previous entry from a stranger. That was kinda weird, thinking someone I don't even know was reading my internet journal. Sure, I know anyone can read this, but who would want to? But seeing my blog reminded me that I have not written in over 3 months. Could be because nothing (I mean practically nothing) has happened in 3 months. But in the last 4 weeks, I have had 3 interviews, bam, bam, bam. The first was with my "dream" job for the 2nd time. That went well, but I did not get it. The 2nd was as a project manager for a publishing company. And the 3rd was for an administrative assistant for the county government. Well, a few days before the 3rd interview, I got an e-mail from the 2nd interview that they wanted to hire me, 4 days after the interview. Part of me was in shock and disbelief because I didn't think anyone offered jobs over e-mail, and the e-mail started out like the standards "thanks but no thanks letter." I couldn't believe I was reading what I was reading. I had to read it twice, even 3 times to make sure I was being offered the job and not just being given the kiss-off. I would receive an offer letter along with the document explaining benefits the next day.

That's when the other shoe dropped. I should have known when I walked into a room for a group interview, and everyone in the interview was the entire team, unlike the other 2 interviews where several interviewed me, but I knew there were a lot more employees elsewhere in the building. All women. For a brief moment, I let myself get excited and planned a mini-vacation since my start date wasn't until November 1. I called to have #1 on the benefits list explained because I couldn't believe what I was reading. No health benefits. Nothing. Sure, they appeared to be a fine group of women and there were sick days and vacation days and comp time, but no health insurance. I was in shock. Incredulous. Angry. Worried. Pissed. Frustrated. I just knew it was because all the other women were married and had their husbands' health benefits. I called an independent insurance agent to find out how much it would cost to get health insurance. Suffice it to say, it would be like making a monthly car payment for a VERY NICE car, but I never get to drive the car... ever. Never. They gave me till Monday to decide.* I sent e-mails to several friends, called sisters, talked to people, and we all came up with one, and only one, conclusion. I had to take the job. In this economy, you just turn down work. I don't have insurance now and no paycheck. At least I will have a paycheck. Many have said to take it and then take the first job with benefits that comes along. But I don't want to work at a job while always looking for another. Yes, I am loyal to a fault, but I don't think it's fair to am employer. Some have told me it's not fair that some companies don't provide benefits. But I canceled plans to visit my friend in Vermont. Looks like I won't be making plans to do anything fun for a very long time. Or, at least, that's the way I feel.

Then it hit me. I should have been more specific. When praying for a job, I should have prayed for one with benefits. Remind me, when I'm praying for a man to pray for one who can still get it up. Make my needs known. Be specific. Next time I pray for a man, I will be praying for one... with benefits!

One sweet friend (from my old job that fired me) said maybe this is God's plan. If so, God has a sick sense of humor. But maybe this is the plan I need to accept. Instead of looking back and thinking, "Mmmm, perhaps that was God's plan," I need to look towards the future and think, "Maybe this is the plan." I don't know. While the job is a good fit, I just can't help but think I will have this black cloud hanging over me. Who knew that the whole time I was looking for a job, I should have been looking for a husband instead.


*The reason they gave me till Monday to decide is a very dear friend from back home died rather suddenly. She was about my age. We went to church together, raised our daughters together. She had chest pains one Tuesday, and her husband took her to the ER. She walked in. They even had to hook her up to machines to determine she was having a heart attack. They did some tests and found out that her blood sugar was sky high. Apparently, she was diabetic but had never gone to the doctor and, therefore, never got it diagnosed or treated. Within 2 days she was transferred to the big university hospital and put on the heart transplant list. WTF? She died the same day as Steve Jobs, the same age, 2 weeks after those first chest pains. My daughters drove back with me to St. Louis for her memorial service. Although they have been to their share of memorial services and funerals, this was the first time they went for the living. That is a big step in maturity, and I was so proud of them. One even brought tissues for me. We since discovered she hated doctors so so never went. And I know she had health insurance. It put things into perspective but, in many ways, made me wonder if I will go to the doctor for yearly physicals and such if I don't have insurance. Still, I wondered why someone with insurance wouldn't take better care of herself. And I worried that, without health benefits, will I take good care of myself? Seems I will have to take better care of myself because I sure as hell can't afford to get sick!

Part III or How Good It Is to Have Insurance Benefits

Now do you know why I split this up into 3 parts? Too much for one entry, but I am writing this down for me since I doubt that anyone reads my blog any more. It's best this way.

The entire summer I did not go to the dentist like I needed. My annual physical and mammogram were due, but I knew I couldn’t get it. I called 2 insurance companies that offered free mammograms out of a boobie van, but neither called me back for an appointment. Being the sister of a breast cancer survivor, all I could think about was how this would impact me if I missed my yearly mammogram.

Luckily for me, my 3-month supply of drugs came the week I was laid off and now they were running out just as I was hired. What a wonderful coincidence!! Something was finally going right. So I finally got a job and was rehired back at the university the first of November. A week after I started back to work my next 3-month supply of drugs came to my door. Hallelujah. I am a lucky woman despite all the shit I have had to endure.

UNTIL THREE WEEKS into my new job. I went to apply for benefits before the deadline and couldn’t get into the application site so I called the benefits office. The reason I couldn’t apply for benefits??? That’s because I not only STILL HAD THEM, but I had them the whole time I was laid off. Yes, you read that right. Apparently, my July paycheck paid for August's bennies, and my September paycheck (the one that was late because of that signature) paid for October's. And oh, by the way, the benefits' rep said, "You OWE us for November. How would you like to pay for that?" Are you kidding me? I could have done medical things this whole time? And now I had to pay my insurance retroactively for a month when I didn’t work so I don’t go without for a month (on paper) and have to start up again. Did you get that? In my favor, the benefits lady called me the next week and said they would “help” me out by taking it out of my next 3 paycheck in equal amounts so I was not shocked by the deduction in one paycheck.

How stupid could I be? When I told the benefits lady what happened, she said, “Well, it was explained in that packet that they gave you the day you were laid off.” (I guess it’s a standard packet for lay-offs.) Ultimately, this is clearly all my fault. Depression can do that to a person. I don’t even remember weeks 11 and 12 as I never got out of my dark room, not once. But can I just say, when you lay off someone after their kid’s wedding and when they are in a state of shock, you might want to point out two things: one, sign that piece of paper getting the paperwork processed before you leave the building, and two, don’t lose sleep over your benefits. They call what happened to me as “temporary work stoppage” and I was covered with benefits as long as I got a paycheck because they always take the deductions out a month ahead, not behind. Instead, they clearly did not have their shit together, and with my shit not together, it was a clusterfuck.

Now I need to call for my annual physical, my pap smear, my dental check-up, my prescription renewal, and my cat’s vet appointment. Okay, I don’t think my benefits cover that last one, but I sure didn’t think I was covered the entire time I was laid off either so I might be in for another surprise. I was glad when 2010 was over and we can move forward to 2011. Seems odd years are better for me as 2007 and 2009 were good years and 2006, 2008, and 2010 were sucky.

But speaking of sucky and depressing, I have come to the conclusion that now that I am in my 50s, life is like "Ole Man River." It just keeps gong along. I am in a job where I have no friends and have to be quiet most of the time. I sit by myself, do my various jobs, eat by myself at my desk, walk around campus by myself, and am never allowed to be myself. I guess teaching in my early years and teaching sex ed were my happiest times for being myself. There is very little interaction between or among people at work because it is a counseling center where we all must be vewwy vewwy quiet. And don't give me any shit about not being able to be quiet. I can. But today, I got frantic because I was on a phone that was unfamiliar to me and lost a call. It was a parent, and I was trying to transfer her call. When it didn't work out, I called over to the young man whose phone it is for help. Well, apparently, I was too frantic in front of a client, and the very calm, very quiet woman who works there "told" on me. Our boss came into my office later in the afternoon and wanted my side of the story, but I thought, "You have got to be kidding me??" I didn't even remember a client at the desk when the phone was fucking up. That very quiet, very calm, very austere woman has never said an encouraging word or a kind word or a helpful word to me since I have started. She is not mean or unkind. It's just her personality and her culture (African). I was assured that the young man at the front desk would have to start dressing more appropriately since we're, well, at the front desk, and in the 3 months I've been there all I have seen him wear is ratty nasty jeans and wrinkled tops (tee or shirts). But I would never think to run to the boss to complain.

So all afternoon I have been thinking about happiness and whether I will ever be happy at work and will I ever feel like I belong and will I ever enjoy my life ever again? Mind you, not having a relationship with anyone at work is far better than my last job where I worked with that totally unprofessional and inappropriate asshole. I really liked my publishing job and feel that once I was laid off in '03, my life has never and will never be the same. I made good money, was good at what I did, traveled, had wonderful friends at work, and felt a sense of accomplishment with each project. I floated around from job to job for years after that, eventually moving to leave my husband (because I couldn't find a decent job and be single in that town). My favorite job in all my life was teaching sex ed for Planned Parenthood, and my favorite year was 2007 when I was in love. I am convinced I will never have a more wonderful job or a more wonderful love or a more wonderful life. And that's ok. I'm not putting myself out there because there is no "out there" to put myself in. That single tenured, soon-to-be-retired professor with a working prostate who loves to go to the theater and travel simply doesn't exist. That wonderful job where I can be myself (outgoing, fun-loving, inventive, motivated) and have friends to go to lunch with and enjoy in and out of work simply doesn't exist. Not in my current life. Not in my field... which is nothingness. I don't have a field.

Add to it a daughter who lives with me and has no goals to move on. I have told her to have something in mind by June 1 or she's out. She does not clean her room, she does not clean up after herself, she drops by to take a shower and then goes back over to her boyfriend's to spend the night. I am embarrassed and frustrated by her actions and lack of actions. She has so many options, and I understand that she might have "option shock," but how many college grads get the opportunity to veg out, work, save money, and decide what she wants to be "when she grows up." I am grateful that she is healthy, not knocked-up, drug-addicted, or unemployed. She is just fucking irresponsible for the most part. I never got that perk in life. I graduated in Dec at the age of 21 and moved to the big city to teach and be on my own. (And in daughter's defense, I would have killed my mother if I had moved in with her after college graduation. Dorothy's moving in with me must speak well to our relationship.)

And then I have to be there when my other daughter calls to complain about her year and her classes and her students. That's what moms are for. But it's only at her convenience. She is rarely, if ever, there for me and hasn't been there since the divorce. Our relationship is completely different since then, and while I don't want to "blame" the divorce, it just seems like a huge coincidence.

Guess I better figure out that odd phone at work so no one "tattles" on me for getting frantic when I lose someone while trying to transfer a call. I guess I would just give my life a B- or C+ right now. Just blah. Not depressing, but certainly not all that happy.